Day 1: Stop Ignoring the Pain

18 Responses

1. Lack of respect…. the hurt from previous relationships…. I let it all out and told the people how I felt…. it was a relief after I let it out…

   1. I’m proud of you. For real.

      Because disrespect and relationship hurt will sit in your body like poison when you keep swallowing it. But you did something healthy! You gave your pain a voice. You told the truth. And the fact that it felt like relief is proof you were carrying too much in silence for too long.

      Keep pushing through and speaking up!! You got this!!

      Love you big! – Pastor Joni

2. So excited

   1. Me too!!! – Pastor Joni

3. 1. I’ve survived…continuing to live, pain from my father, broken promises/heartaches, my pawpaw’s death, not hearing any sorrys, being lonely and misunderstood, things I probably should’ve never been around and witnessed as a child that made me grow up, engaging in reckless behaviors and activities to feel a void, etc….

   2. There’s not just one particular mask I wear; there are many. I’m an expert with putting up a facade but I’ve gotten to the point I’m tired of smiling all the time or laughing when I’m not happy. I have an on and off switch when it come to my emotion and mastered it so well that I can do it at any given moment with no hesitation…I just go blank and stop…feeling anything especially now without my vices I use to have. I disassociate myself from the world. I put my feelings on the back burner because that’s what I’m use to people doing to me and I don’t want to be a burden. It costs me to be isolated and lonely but it also has its benefits I guess.

   3. I would tell God that losing my pawpaw hurt me oh so deep. He was my bestfriend, the closest I had to a daddy, he was my safe space, my happy place, my breath of fresh air in this world filled with chaos. I didn’t need my father because I had my pawpaw there for me. I’m not mad at you God I’m just hurt, depressed, lonely, angry but at my father mostly & that side of the family, God I’m sorry to admit it but we’re being honest right? I would have much rather it be my father than my pawpaw that you took. He was suppose to be here to walk me down the aisle, me and him had plans smh…you left me with this man I came from that don’t even know how to love me I can’t stand how he loves me!!!! I’m my pawpaw first grandchild that he won’t be able to experience nor witness me having a baby. And my baby will be his first great grandchild with his namesake. That hurts. We were super close and now I don’t have him and he hasn’t visited me Lord why is that?! Everything hurts….why would you allow me to feel so much and not just pain but other emotions too?! Why would you let me see my pawpaw the very last moment? I mean I know why but whyyyyyyy?!?!?! And take him from me?! I’m sorry Lord I just don’t understand and still hurting and my baby due 03/28/26 my pawpaw passed 03/24/24 what a reminder that is…..

   1. Xariya!! I’m so proud of you!! Thank you for being brave enough to write all of that out. I need you to hear me clearly: what you shared is REAL. And I’m so sorry you’ve had to survive things that never should’ve been on your shoulders as a child.

      And losing your pawpaw? That kind of loss is deep. The way you described him…your safe place, your closest thing to a daddy, your best friend…no wonder your heart feels like it’s aching in places you can’t even explain. Grief like that doesn’t just “go away.” It changes you. And it’s okay to admit it still hurts.

      I also hear you about the masks. That on/off switch… the blankness… the isolating so you won’t feel like a burden. That’s not you being “too much.” That’s what happens when you’ve had to protect your heart for a long time. But I’m proud of you for saying, “I’m tired.” Because tired means you’re ready for something different… ready to heal for real.

      And let me say this too: your honesty with God isn’t disrespectful…it’s relationship! He can handle your questions. He can handle your anger. He can handle the part of you that’s confused and the part that’s still hurting. God is not intimidated by your truth.

      That date connection you mentioned (03/24 and your baby due 03/28) whew… I know that feels like a reminder that punches you in the chest. But I also want you to hold this: your pawpaw’s love didn’t end. It planted. And now you’re carrying legacy. Your baby is not just a reminder of loss… your baby is also evidence that life is still happening through you.

      Listen… you are not alone. We are all covering you!!

      I love you big!! – Pastor Joni

4. 1. The pain of losing a friend to unforeseen circumstances.
   2. The mask of being the strong friend and daughter , it’s costing me my happiness sometimes because I feel I can’t be truthful about what I’m going through.
   3. What hurt me the most is never being able to tell my story on people that did me wrong. I’m always looked at as the bad guy for things I had every right to be upset about.

   1. Morgan, I’m so sorry. Losing a friend unexpectedly will shake you in a way people don’t always understand because it’s grief and shock at the same time. Just know what you feel is 100% valid.

      And that “strong friend / strong daughter” mask… whew. I know that one. But hear me…being strong all the time is not the same as being healed. Strength without space to be honest will start stealing your happiness little by little. You don’t have to keep performing “I’m okay” just to make everybody else comfortable.

      And about never being able to tell your story… that hurts. When people only see your reaction but not what you had to endure, they’ll label you as the “bad guy” for finally having boundaries or finally speaking up. But having a right to be upset does not make you wrong. It makes you HUMAN.

      Let me say this with love: God sees the full story even the parts people ignored, twisted, or never asked about. And I truly believe there will be a season where your truth will be clear without you having to defend yourself to everybody. Sometimes God doesn’t vindicate you with a microphone… He vindicates you with fruit, peace, and a life that speaks for itself.

      For today, here’s what I want you to hold onto:

      You’re allowed to grieve that friend.
      You’re allowed to take the mask off.
      You’re allowed to be honest even if it makes people uncomfortable.
      And you’re allowed to heal without needing everybody to understand your side.

      I’m proud of you for showing up! You’re not the villain… you’re just tired of bleeding in silence. And that ends today!

      Love you! – Pastor Joni

5. 1.The pain im trying to survive is the death of my husband and feeling as though I failed my kids.
   2. I’ve been wearing the mask of I got this.. No one is going to know
   3. If I were completely honest with God I failed myself in area of my life.

   1. Nakellea!!! I’m so, so sorry. I can only begin to imagine the hurt and pain you’re experiencing from losing your husband!! And the fact that you’re still standing for your kids right now? That doesn’t sound like failure to me. That sounds like a mother who’s been carrying more than one heart can hold!!

      Listen to me clearly..you did not fail your kids because life happened to you. Grief will lie to you and make you feel like everything is your fault, but that is not the truth. Your kids don’t need a perfect mom. They needed you present, loving, and healing one day at a time.

      And that “I got this… no one is going to know” mask… I understand why you put it on. When you’re the one everybody leans on, you learn how to hold yourself together in public and fall apart in private. But listen, you were never created to carry this alone. Not emotionally. Not spiritually. Not mentally.

      Now let me speak to that last part: “If I’m honest with God, I failed myself.” God already knows, and He’s not disgusted with you. He’s not shocked by you. He’s not done with you. Conviction is God calling you closer, condemnation is the enemy trying to crush you. And what I hear in you isn’t somebody God is rejecting… it’s somebody God is rebuilding.

      You no longer have to walk alone! We got you!

      Love you big!
      -Pastor Joni

6. The pain I’ve survived I’ve never gave myself a chance to heal from was childhood trauma , being put in a group home at such a early age, bc my mom decided she didn’t want any kids, I’ve never understood why till this day she did that but I guess it wasn’t for me to understand, she didn’t even know me , my aunt raised me . I’ve gotten in therapy to help me with letting that go , but I also know forgiveness start with myself. And I can’t keep holding on to it. But I don’t have a relationship with my mom , I want to but it’s hard for me right now , she will never apologize for giving us away or give us an explanation .

   The mask I’ve been wearing is being so strong all the time , being full of life , smiling , when deep down inside I wish I came from a regular family. Just bc I chose to try breaking generational curses , I get called a hypocrite or I think I’m better than everybody else, at times I feel it’s costing me my peace but I block this out and do what’s best for me and my family I’ve created.

7. I’m currently serving the pain of loosing my mother, every single day has been a struggle! The sadness and anger comes in waves, it’s like I can’t control it

   I’ve been wearing a mask of strength! The strong friend, strong sibling, strong parent, when I fact I’m broken I put the mask on everyday like I got this but on a daily basis I’m lost in my own head!

   If I’m honest with God I’d say taking my mother from me hurt me the most! She never got what she deserved in this life! And leaving me here with a father who never made time or really cared enough to have a relationship with me is unfair! I know my mom isn’t suffering and is in a better place but the little girl in me feels like a motherless child!

   1. Shun!! I’m so sorry! I know the pain of losing a mother. I lost my mom 28 years ago, 2 weeks before my 15th birthday. The grief and pain doesn’t go away, we just learn how to cope through. I too experienced the anger, the questioning.. why my Mama and not my Daddy! I questioned God.. I was angry with God!! But God is a faithful God. Your anger doesn’t surprise him. You have the right to feel.. but I encourage you as hard as it is..keep going.

      You do not have to keep wearing the strong mask in front of God. You can be the strong and still be a grieving daughter. You can love your family and still feel lost in your own head. God is not intimidated by your honesty/ He can hold your questions, your anger, your confusion, and your tears.

      When you say “God, taking my mother hurt me the most.” Whew! I felt that so deep!! It’s that kind of truth that starts healing. Because the little girl in you is crying out and she deserves to be heard, not silenced. Feeling like a motherless child is real. And what you didn’t receive from your father adds another layer of pain that makes this feel even more unfair. You’re not crazy for feeling that. You’re human.

      Please know you are not alone. We are walking with you! We are praying for you! And we are holding you up in the midst of it all.

      Love you big!

8. Being touch on as a kid by my great aunt husband,I want my sons to get they life line out better,I think I fail as a mother I was a teenager mom and thank God for my Mother she raised him🙏🙏🙏

9. 1. I survived losing 4 family members in 2019 + my miscarriages, April 30th 2025 (2 weeks after my bday) I survived my mom unexpectedly passing in her sleep, and I’ve survived losing friends after my mom’s death. I also survived feeling abandoned by my biological father and being raised by my father who isn’t my biologically my father. I’m grateful for my dad i love him like my own I just have anger towards the my bio dad for abandoning me.

   1. The mask I wear to keep going is the mask of strength and that mask cost me support/help. I feel since I put this strong mask on everyone assumes I’m okay. When deep down I’m drowning, screaming, crying, and fighting. My mom was the only person I felt comfortable asking for help the only person and now that she’s gone it’s been hard for me to ask for help. I feel guilty asking my siblings because we all lost our mom and I’m not the only one who needs help.

   3. If Im being completely honest with God today I would tell him what hurt me most is being forced to live through the pain of losing my mom.

10. The pain that I have survived that I never fully healed from:
    LOSS
    – the loss of my baby girl who “left” here 16 days after my birth date but in 2008, which is another reason I never really celebrate my birthday. This was a long dark year of my life that I vaguely remember. My 2 living kids (Eric and Xariya) literally saved my life. I was so depressed and angry at GOD. I didn’t understand why he would give me my baby only to take her back again. GOD reminded me that she, as am I, HIS and HE also reopened my mind and my will to keep going in one look into my children’s eyes when my mom brought them to see me…..yes to see me. I was so broken and hurt I didn’t realize I was not well, not functioning, not living, not eating and was on suicide watch…..but GOD!!! And honestly I was my dad’s only child and his ………””family” cheated my kids and I from being able to see him and be there during his last yr….he was in hospice and I wasn’t notified…..when in rehab I called around til I found him…..when he passed I found out on facebook…….I was and still am angry but I forgive daily cause everytime I think about it I feel cheated. My kids were cheated.
    UNWORTHY/LONELY
    -It seems just about embarrassing to me that here I am 47 and have never experienced love nor have I been treated properly not really ever dated. I have always felt like I am not enough or like I am “building” these ppl up for the next person but where is my person? Am I not worthy of it. At one point everyone in my actual life was happy and in love but me literally was the only one. That does something to me inside. It made me question everything so I started living by “I’m not heartless I just use my heart less” and though I am moving differently now I still fell like maybe there just is not a “Boaz” for me so that is my way to keep me from getting too close to anyone only to be hurt. It has been that way all my life and I try to teach my daughter her worth and how special she is but how can I truly do that when I trust GOD in all areas of my life but it is not evident in that part?
    I guess I kind of answered all 3 questions within this long paragraph.

11. 1. The pain of losing my oldest brother when I was 8 & my mom at 16. They were my best friends! Also feeling overwhelmed at times from being a single mother.

    2. I often made myself feel okay when I wasn’t okay. I finally admitted this to God last year that I was ready to take the mask off & just be real with him because I knew he wouldn’t judge me. Grief and sadness was eating me up internally…. I finally decided to give myself permission to grieve the losses so I can move forward

    3. Experiencing so many losses in the past few years of my life.

12. 1.) What pain did I survive that I never gave myself permission to heal from?

    • Carrying the weight of healing for my siblings and immediate family. Growing up I was always the one that was bold enough to speak against what I knew wasn’t right ; verbal abuse & mental abuse , poor decision making , negativity etc . Overtime I stopped speaking up but I didn’t realize what I was trying to change had also been instilled in me.

    It wasn’t until I went to college 4 hours away from home that I realized that I was traumatized . I wasn’t the positive / hopeful little girl anymore . I was then the person that everyone asked “ why are you so angry , why do you talk like that , why don’t you trust people , why aren’t you confident in yourself / gifts .etc

    Growing up in dysfunction / dysfunctional relationships I wasn’t taught how to thrive only survive. So I survived as best as I knew how until God opened my eyes. I started praying asking God to reveal himself to me , help me heal , and also to lead me .

    2.) What mask have I been wearing to keep going—and what is it costing me?

    • That I’ve healed from parental problems in my childhood .

    • Building a spirit filled relationship with my parents .

    3.) If I were completely honest with God today, what would I say hurt me the most?

    • Once I completely surrendered what I was feeling to God what hurt me the most was the healing process. The revelation to forgive my parents was hard for me because I felt unseen , unloved , and not supported . When I gave that to God I didn’t know God would heal me in that area by asking me to forgive others .

    The feeling that I once felt started to arise . I expected God to take my side but what happens when you have to be the bigger person when you know you’ve been wronged ? Grace …

    I realized that my parents only became what they saw. The pain & rejection I experienced wasn’t intentional it was generational . Acknowledging that my parents were once unhealed children subject to mental & emotional abuse as well I had to release the anger I felt so that God could truly begin to heal me in that area.

    Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk🤩🤗🫶🏾 lol thank you pastor Joni for truly being a safe space . I know I’m late but this was right on time !!!! 🥺💕🙏🏾